In a heated dispute, a manager keeps the person and the issue apart, courteous and generous with the colleague and firm and specific on the substance, so the other side can concede without losing face.
An example
Conference discounts had set the director of group sales at a resort hotel company against the head of revenue management for a year. Revenue said sales gave rooms away; sales said revenue's rates lost the business. The arguments had turned personal, and both teams had stopped sharing forecasts. Before the quarterly pricing meeting, the head of revenue went to the sales director's office, said she valued what sales had built with the corporate accounts, and asked which client relationships were at risk. In the meeting she held to the substance: group business booked below a floor rate had displaced higher-paying guests on 31 nights the previous summer, and she wanted a floor written into the approval process. She credited sales with the accounts' growth twice. The sales director agreed to the floor, with an exception for accounts above a set annual spend.
Why it works
People who feel attacked defend themselves, and once a dispute has turned personal, conceding a point means losing face. Treating the colleague with real courtesy and respect while staying firm on the facts makes agreement easier: the other side can give way on the substance without giving way as a person. The proposal itself is unchanged. It depends on courtesy that is sincere, on a position grounded in facts both sides can check, and on a relationship both parties need beyond this decision. It fails when the courtesy reads as tactical or the firmness slides into contempt.
The thinking behind it
Roger Fisher Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (1981), by Fisher and Ury, advises separating the people from the problem: deal with perception, emotion, and communication directly and apart from the substance, for example by discussing each side's perceptions and helping the other side save face. The visit to the sales director before the meeting dealt with the relationship on its own terms, so the meeting itself could stay on the floor rate.
William Ury Ury's Getting Past No: Negotiating with Difficult People (1991) advises building the other side a golden bridge: remove the obstacles to agreement, attend to intangible interests such as recognition and dignity, and help them save face so that agreeing does not look like giving in. Crediting sales with the accounts' growth, and offering an exception for the largest accounts, built that bridge and let the director accept the floor without appearing to lose.
When it fits
Separating the person from the problem suits disputes between colleagues who must keep working together: peers in different functions, a manager and a strong subordinate, two units sharing a resource. Bring a substantive position backed by facts, the composure to stay courteous under provocation, and a relationship worth protecting. It does less in one-off dealings with strangers.
How to use it well
Separate the two conversations before the meeting. Spend time with the colleague on the relationship: acknowledge their goals and contributions, and ask about the pressures they are under.
- Put the substance in terms of facts and standards both of you can check.
- Stay firm on the substance. Courtesy is no reason to concede.
- Credit the other side's work in front of others, specifically and truthfully.
- Offer a way to agree that protects what they care about, such as an exception or a review date.
If they attack you personally, answer the substance and leave the attack alone. Mean the courtesy, since people can tell when respect is a technique.
What it costs and where it backfires
Courtesy toward a colleague who is behaving badly can look weak to your own team. Keeping the person and the problem apart takes discipline in exactly the moments when it is hardest, and a single sharp remark can undo months of it. If the courtesy is insincere, the other side will see it and trust you less than before. The firmness has to stay on the substance, too. Once it turns into personal pressure, the method is gone and the fight is back.
When it is used on you
A colleague who stays gracious while giving no ground is probably sincere, and the courtesy costs you nothing, so test the substance on its merits. Answer with the same separation, respect for them and facts on the issue, and look closely at any exception or review they offer, which is often the way to settle.